Easy As Pie… Or why I should never be allowed in the kitchen.

Well, tomorrow is my boyfriend’s birthday. Yes, this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, and yes, I am proud of that fact. Anyway, on Friday, I excitedly mentioned that I would try and make him some special desert.

Only then did I filled my boyfriend in on the fact that I can’t bake.

“But Julie, you’re a girl”
Yeah? Have you read my blog before?!?!? No? Then read this, jerkface. (he didn’t actually say that, he said he had eaten my Moms apple crisp that I told him was mine and he said he liked it. That, too, is a joke. I only did that once. Then, I actually DID make an apple crisp all by myself, and he liked that one too.)

What happens when I try to bake: I get EXTREME A.D.D. Like, I have absolutely zero concentration issues anywhere but the kitchen. And it’s not even a problem when I’m cooking, like, food, and by this I mean that I CAN cook (hellloo ladies), but give me a recipe for brownies or cake and I will guarantee find one way to mess it up.

So, I offered to make him a pie. I mean, pies are fairly easy. I made six pies in two days for the Fourth of July last summer, and had almost no issues with those (or not so anyone will tell you… because they were all poisoned TO DEATH).

I think that pie, especially cherry pie, is one of those pies for the true noviece. All you need to do is make the pie crust, and fill it from the can. Then, maybe add some lattice. Poof, pie-tastic. That was the worse pun I have EVER made.

So, I made a cherry pie. Well, heres a picture of how THAT turned out.

umm, so i realize that the picture doesn't show a lot of the pie. That's because i tilted it so my webcam could get a picture, and then things started to slide out... not my brightest moment. On the plus side, I now how cherry all over my sweatshirt which gives me an excuse to wash it. Or not, and have a snack during class.

Heres what i used for my pie:

Apparently, not only can I bake, i should also take up a career as a photographer. I know.
Please note the three cans of cherries.

And how one of them aren’t even pie cherries. I mean, their all cherries, so what’s the difference going to be when it comes out of the oven? See, it's reasoning like this that should send up red flags.

BELIEVE ME YET MIKE? NO? WELL, KEEP READING BIRTHDAY BOY.

So, pie crust.

Granted, pie crust is a tricky for everyone. Okay, maybe not Bree Vandicamp or Martha Stewart, but, whatever. ITS HARD, OKAY?

So, it’s a delicate balance between adding too much water and too little water. One will make your crust crumble. One will make it stick and rip on everything. Don’t ask me what’s the perfect amount of water, because my pie crusts always find a way to be both crumbly AND ridiculously tear-y.

So, this time, I made a huge ball of slightly-watery crust, and then I threw it in the air until it calmed itself down. Then, it got rolled, kinda, and then it went into the pan to be spread with abuse. Like, punches, and pinches, and normal red-flag society stuff. Not pretty.

Well, after crust had been laid, pie fillings added, it was popped in the oven. For half the time that it said on the can, because the can didn’t account for the fact that I would spill some filling all over the crust/outside and lick it off, so it only really cooked for about twenty five minutes.

Ahem. Here it is:

and here's his slightly less-deformed cousin, who was made so that Mom wouldn't find out that I used her cooking materials for Mike, i mean, HI MOM HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS NOT UGLY PIE I MADE JUST FOR YOU!!

So, Happy Birthday?
Maybe next year I'll just buy one at Giant and pretend I made it. "I ever made fake price stickers and everything, heh heh."

Just kidding. Really, Happy Birthday Bro.